Dyson Mulqueen Lunan + sometimes Banyay

"Chongqing" The 37 Million person city you've never heard of... because it's fake.

2011-08-18T13:54:00.004-04:00

So,
The Mulloskies are "traveling" again or so they say.

I'll save you the reading: They claim to be living in some place called Chongqing, China. I know, right - a sheltered 10 year old boy couldn't make up a more racist-sounding fake name for a city in China if watching his favourite TV show depended on it.

Also, they want us to believe it's a city of 37 million... yet somehow haven't managed to take a single photo as evidence this place actually exists. Until I see otherwise, here's what I am picturing:

Love those Ramen Noodles!

2010-07-29T13:06:00.001-04:00

I've been in this country for a couple of years and I still can't get used to the local cuisine.

Watch This Space...

2010-07-13T15:46:00.002-04:00

The name has been returned to its original glory, and the original authors are all back cooking up some of the most original and hilarious material ever to grace the interweb.

A triumphant return is about to happen.

Get ready.

The DML is BACK!

Who Do You Trust?

2010-01-15T10:10:00.001-05:00

Do you know where your children are?

Watching You

2009-10-22T15:43:00.002-04:00

We are watching you watch this blog.

Big Spoon, Little Spoon

2009-10-19T11:16:00.001-04:00

2009 Man of the Year

2009-10-01T10:14:00.000-04:00

Joining Forces.... but still pathetic

2009-09-09T10:22:00.014-04:00

In a predictable turn of events, bloggers at two of the weaker interweb logs Jorkat.com and Sean-Erin.com have launched a joint offensive against the DML+B. Our foreign correspondents recently captured this image on the streets of Seoul. The DML+B shares your sadness at this unfortunate turn of events but does not feel threatened in the least.

At this time, the editorial team would like to assure our loyal reader (s) that this aggressive action will not distract us from our award winning, truth-based brand of journalism that you've come to depend on.

Good Times...

2009-08-11T10:00:00.002-04:00

...were had at the wedding this past weekend.

Best part about the weekend? The D enjoyed not having the L there.

Post your favourite absence from this past weekend in the comments.

The Fall of Jorkat.com?

2009-08-11T09:59:00.000-04:00

Go away.

Crotch Fireworks

2009-08-11T07:52:00.003-04:00

Don't worry about it Mulqueen, I got this one. Leave it to the blogging professionals to embed video on this once glorious site. Have a look at SiteMeter in a week or so and you can thank me then.

Keep up the good work Banyay. Your magic touch is exactly what this blog needed to be taken to another level...and then pushed off a cliff.

If JorKat.com is the equivalent of Mullin's dong, then the DM+Sometimes B would clearly be Bachelor Party Jordan.

Crotch Works

2009-08-10T11:09:00.003-04:00

Click here to watch Jordan shoot fireworks from his crotch. Be sure to turn your speakers up.

In other crotch-related news, this past weekend the D of the DML+B was knighted by Mullin. A disturbing but truly hilarious moment.

The Legend of Fat Mike

2009-08-07T09:59:00.009-04:00

Fat Mike is getting married this weekend. There is no better way to honour this joyous occasion than to post a humiliating picture from his past. This photo is dated August 26th, 2002 almost 7 years ago today and was bravely smuggled into the country by the DML's special Hungarian associates. It is 100% unphotoshopped. He really was that fat. Thankfully he's had a few handsome years before he gets fat again and loses all his hair.

Joy Ride

2009-08-06T12:21:00.003-04:00

Crazy story, Dyson and I found this golf cart bicycle thingy the other day and posed for a few photos in it. Then, we told Lunan and sent him the original pictures.... and he photoshopped himself into the photos and made up some stories for yet another fake blog post on jorkat.com. He is a true master.

Congrats Matty and Chrissy

2009-08-05T18:00:00.007-04:00

The western world is celebrating today after learning that strong man Matty D proposed to his beautiful girlfriend Chrissy this past weekend. The event has once again affirmed the insightful observations of the DML+B which remains a powerhouse among internet web logs.

News of the brilliantly scripted moment on the 18th hole of a local golf course has spread like a wildfire around the globe, even reaching the isolated Korean blogging sensation jorkat.com. The editor at Jorkat is quoted by local media as saying: "This is almost the greatest day ever, second only to the time I went on a drunken joy ride! I'm so happy for them. The best part is that it will totally steal the thunder from from that other loser's wedding this weekend. And no for the last time I am absolutely not planning on flying back to surprise everyone. I am too busy fabricating stories and photographs for my blog."

Matty and Chrissy, we salute you.

The Many Sides of Jules

2009-07-29T14:27:00.004-04:00

How could you not love a foxy lady who will pick her nose while stuffing 8 inches in her mouth? The world celebrates you today Jules. Happy Birthday and keep it classy!

Hitler Finds Out Michael Jackson Is Dead

2009-07-08T10:02:00.004-04:00

If you have the time, watch the whole video. The shock that Hitler expresses over the death of the King of Pop is moving.

Worst Blog Ever?

2009-06-03T16:25:00.002-04:00

Is Jorkat.com the worst blog ever?

Probably.

Talk About Foresight!!!

2009-05-26T12:51:00.002-04:00

The DML has once again rightly called out a totalitarian dictator and not had their warnings acted upon.

North Korea has once again conducted a nuclear test, and the DML was the first to predict it.

We did.

DM_B Core Values

2009-05-12T10:47:00.003-04:00

First Plagiarism, Now Censorship

2009-05-09T11:35:00.005-04:00

Embarassed at the plagiarism charges levelled at them by a respected member of the DML, the authors of Jorkat.com have now decided that changing their version of the truth is the prudent course of action.

This comment was originally written as a warning that the rampant plagiarism on Jorkat.com has been uncovered. Now it appears as a watered down "I miss you so much" post. Shameful.

Seems like Jorkat is being published from dictatorial North Korea, not their supposed residence of democractic South Korea.

Suppressing the truth will get you nowhere. Suppressing comments on your blog will only incense your readership.

The Price Of A Sandwich

2009-05-05T13:32:00.002-04:00

Pusateris.

Because you can never be too expensive.

Butt Play

2009-04-29T09:39:00.002-04:00

So I'm in Korea and these kids are sticking their fingers up my butt and...

Cause of Global Warming Identified

2009-04-22T10:36:00.007-04:00

Dear readers, Happy Earth Day!

A momentous breakthrough in the scientific community was made last night, as a major, previously unaccounted for source of climate change causing methane emissions was identified in Toronto. Methane gas is 21 times more potent than carbon dioxide as a contributor to the greenhouse effect so this discovery marks a tremendous opportunity to reign in emissions. The research brief from climate change scientist J Trau is below:

"2009/4/22 J Trau:
Ughhhh, last night we went for steak and then to the kings of leon concert so by the time we got home the red meat had been sitting in Sub’s stomach getting ready to break down. We got home got into bed and Sub let out some of the nastiest farts I have ever smelled. I was in bed trying not to breathe in through my nose and so my mouth was open and the fart was so strong and pungent it went into my mouth and I literally ate his fart casue it was so thick and noxious. I almost choked to death on fart."

The Beach Vacation

2009-04-21T17:59:00.007-04:00

While the L has been admiring the local Blossoms in North Korea, the rest of the DML has been hard at work covering the issues that matter.

Recently the D's beard decided to take a beach vacation with his assistant K, who just happens to look something like the L's A. (Any similarities are purely coincidental.)

The couple reportedly had a wonderful time on their trip, with the addition of facial hair a welcome bonus to the relationship that the K had never before experienced.

These snaps were sold exclusively to the DML by the D, for what has been reported as the highest price ever paid for a picture of the skinniest man in the world - a free burrito.

More vacation pictures to come in the future.

Inspirational Mullets

2009-04-14T14:03:00.006-04:00

Apparently the D's impressive mullet (above left, DML archives July 2008) is inspiring a whole new generation of Asian mullets. The two examples below were spotted during the DM_formlerly L's recent travels around little Korea in Toronto. One of the mulletted kids bore a striking resemblance to Monkey Begin... you be the judge.

Drinking With White People

2009-03-25T09:38:00.003-04:00

We've all met bad people before. Some of us are even bad people ourselves. Some of us even listen to Madonna on a regular basis. But there is one thing that I cannot stand: shortening my paragraphs! I mean come on, who cares if what I am writing looks like the most pretentious stew of written diarrhea to ever escape someone's mouth. I now have my very own website with my very own captive audience that actually thinks I am in Korea. The limits of this are endless.

NEW PARAGRAPH (see how easy it is?)

So I am out at this club in Korea (or Montreal, I mean nobody has ever really confirmed that we actually left the country in the first place) and this chick comes up to me and starts getting in my grill. I start thinking of all of the things I can say to her, all the things that I have always wanted to say to a woman, but was just too afraid of getting knocked out by a retaliatory blow to my 113 pound frame. So I called her the C word. Little did I know that the Material Girl does not take too kindly to this form of communication. So I did it again. I mustered all of the courage that I could get out of my 140 pound (soaking wet) body, and released the F bomb on the Erotica woman. Looking out of the corner of my eye, the silhouette of GGGGGGGGG gyrating his oh-so-good-looking butt on the dance floor made me temporarily lose control of the situation. Seeing her opening, Madge cold-cocked me right between the eyes.

Hours later I was awoken to the sounds of my own body convulsing from choking. Standing over me were my wife KA and this little man dressed in a too-small set of Habs pyjamas. Clearly the Yellow Dust that I had been living with (not the Meth that I had recently become addicted to - another story) for the past couple of days had taken its toll on my respiratory system. As the grogginess settled from my eyes, I said goodbye to Lyle Overbay and the little Habs midget and got to my feet. Little did I know that Mrs Ritchie had taken her shoes and walked/climbed/rubbed all over me (or was it my wife?)

Anyways - St Patty's day came and went without anyone saying that my wife's outfit looked ridiculous. I mean how ridiculous is it wearing green on St Patrick's day in Montreal?

I'm out of here. Got to go head by Golf Town to get my rocks off.

The Continuing Fall of Jorkat...

2009-03-24T08:39:00.006-04:00

Readership at jorkat.com has gone down the drain as web surfers grow increasingly disillusioned with the blatant plagiarizing and loquacious retelling of stories on the original Mullosky and White Man in Korea blogs.

Jorkat's Rival?

2009-03-18T19:58:00.004-04:00

The crack research team at the DML has come across this piece of InterWeb real estate.

White Man In Korea

Coincidentally this blog was found by googling "White Man In Korea". Whoever says Google doesn't return EXACTLY what you are searching for?

L - we recommend you read the site and make contact.

The Fall of the L Continued...

2009-03-18T19:52:00.000-04:00

The Little Merman

2009-03-16T11:06:00.004-04:00

http://jorkat.com/2009/03/15/our-school/

Lunan on the Little Mermaid:

" I will concede that I did enjoy it and that it remains my favourite Disney movie to date. As a result I may or may not know the lyrics to every song in the movie and I may have recorded a video of me singing one of these songs while intoxicated and posted it on YouTube. Don’t bother looking for it as it’s set for private viewing"

Where We Live

2009-03-15T10:20:00.003-04:00

Thought I would put up a post about our new place -the Updown Court Estate.

It's not much, but we get by.

Check out the tour video below.

*UPDATE* Because of the massive traffic caused by our linking to the video mentioned, YouTube has ceased to work properly. Check out the updated video tour below. Enjoy!

Betrayal

2009-03-02T08:41:00.007-05:00

In a shocking twist of events, the L - formerly of the DML - has moved to Korea and turned his back on the D, M and Sometimes B. A loyal DML subscriber captured this recent photograph in the Seoul-Incheon International airport where the L, assisted by a shady "Mr. Kang" character, was attempting to sabotage the venerable DML institution. The D and the M were too shaken up to comment at the time of publication but in a terse response, Sometimes B simply had this to say: "The L is now dead to me."

The DM_Sometimes B will most definitely exact revenge. Stay tuned...

...and boycott http://jorkat.com/

Right in the Ah-Seoul

2009-02-22T12:27:00.008-05:00

Jorkat, being lewd. Thankfully this kind of behavior is now acceptable in Korea, thanks to the pioneering efforts of Mullin.

Beep

2009-02-17T22:14:00.002-05:00

The Bachelor Killer

2009-02-11T15:07:00.003-05:00

Beyonce the Pony: killer of single men.

Jules Got Her Pony

2009-02-11T08:27:00.002-05:00

Why Beautiful Women Marry Less Attractive Men - UPDATE!!

2009-02-10T23:28:00.001-05:00

In order to commemorate one of the biggest upsets in relationship history, we decided to go back into the archives and retrieve one of the best, and most accurate posts this site has produced. Congratulations Sub for proving us all wrong and convincing such a beautiful woman to marry you. Jules...um...I like your hair in that picture.

Women seeking a lifelong mate might do well to choose the guy a notch below them in the looks category. New research reveals couples in which the wife is better looking than her husband are more positive and supportive than other match-ups. The reason, researchers suspect, is that men place great value on beauty, whereas women are more interested in having a supportive husband.

Researchers admit that looks are subjective, but studies show there are some universal standards, including large eyes, "baby face" features, symmetric faces, so-called average faces, and specific waist-hip ratios in men versus women. Past research has shown that individuals with comparable stunning looks are attracted to each other and once they hook up they report greater relationship satisfaction. These studies, however, are mainly based on new couples, showing that absolute beauty is important in the earliest stages of couple-hood, said lead researcher James McNulty of the University of Tennessee. But the role of physical attractiveness in well-established partnerships, such as marriage, is somewhat of a mystery.

Hey, as long as Lyle Overbay keeps playing solid defense and hitting .300 he can date all the hot asians he wants.

Pensée Du Jour

2009-02-10T08:43:00.002-05:00

Forgetting to put a belt on.

Brutal.

It's Official.

2009-01-23T11:37:00.006-05:00

We have some unfortunate news to report today. One of top secret DML spies captured this photo yesterday of our former friend FLAP. As you can see from this grainy photograph, his exact location is difficult to describe, but according to our spy we believe he's either auditioning for the Village People, or he is so sad and lonely in London that he decided to join the navy for male companionship. In the immortal words of Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, "He's Queer!".

Questions That Deserve Answers

2009-01-21T13:30:00.006-05:00

It has been some time since there was a post on the DML worthy of the high standards that were adhered to in the late 70s. Could it be that the M, L, and Sometimes B have all been neglecting their journalistic duties?

The L has been busy gallivanting around La Belle Province while the rest of us common peasants are out slaving away, trying to earn a decent living.Remember L, gondolas are not always the safest modes of transportation...

Perhaps living at home with his parents and having every meal spoonfed has gotten to the L's sense of what is acceptable in society.

When was the last time the L actually made a meal for himself? Isn't the L married? Why is his wife in another province? When will the Growing Pains reunion air on television? These are the questions that are not being asked.

Why does the M have to travel to exotic destinations such as Belize in order to sample the finest foods known to mankind? What is the secret that the M is hiding? Is the antidote to his sickness spending 2 hours with his next meal? The M needs to know that life will go on without him, and the D's heart will go on. (Leo x2)

And since when was a flooded basement a nuisance? The Sometimes B now has more storage room, as items belonging to others have now been "liquified." Besides, that pool he have always wanted is now available for instant enjoyment.

Remember - neglecting your obligations to society is never the right answer.

And to answer the question that is on everyone's mind - yes there are more pictures of Leo out there.

4:20, Inauguration Day

2009-01-20T09:20:00.002-05:00

*Full disclosure: Not photoshopped by Mulqueen*

The One

2009-01-20T09:15:00.001-05:00

*Full disclosure: Not photoshopped by Mulqueen*

MashUp for Mulqueen

2009-01-19T15:58:00.002-05:00

The M turned 31 this weekend. In honour of this milestone, an historic potato-off was held at a birthday brunch... the results were outstanding. In the end, the jury was too overwhelmed with flavour and stuffed with potato to make a decision. Petato versus Spudrina round one ends in a draw. A rematch is imminent.

The King of Salami

2009-01-15T09:54:00.005-05:00

The jury has unanimously spoken and the 2008 Best Salami Lunchie Award goes to.... Dyson.

Congratulations to the D for this remarkable achievement.

Back In The Good Old Days

2009-01-14T10:38:00.001-05:00

Apparently someone forgot what Photoshop is.

Perhaps this could help you out.

Happy New Year!!

2009-01-06T16:16:00.004-05:00

The canvas: A pile of snow on the roof of Lawbury's condo.

The palette: Copious amounts of red wine, beer, vodka and champagne.

The brush: My unit.

The result: A beautiful testament to my secret crush.

Merry Christmas from Lunch Email TM

2008-12-18T14:10:00.003-05:00

For those of you wondering what I do at work these days, this little compilation should provide some excellent insight.

Lunch Email TM Pictures, in association with I'm Bored Studios is please to present...

Can you tell the difference?

2008-12-16T09:52:00.001-05:00

One of these is the sometimes B's ridiculous looking dog, one is a polar bear in it's natural habitat and one is the L in his natural habitat. Nature is so confusing.

Don't Trust Monkeys

2008-12-12T17:14:00.002-05:00

They will steal your lunch.

And people wonder why my car is always spotless...

2008-12-10T16:20:00.003-05:00

It's also nice to know that Hams and the Sometimes B have something to fall back on in terms of employment if the financial world continues to collapse.

This is why YOU should comment

2008-12-10T10:27:00.004-05:00

You may get to verify a funny word.

The Lunch Email

2008-12-08T12:42:00.005-05:00

Deep inside the bowels of the interweb, there exists an institution that some say is as highly regarded as the birth of Google. This time-honoured tradition known as The Lunch Email TM has been chronicling the lunchtime appetites of many fearless participants for many, many days.

Recently, a select team of Lunch Email TM members met at The Black Camel to celebrate our Lunch Email successes, mourn the absence of our missing members, and of course: eat. The consensus coming out that meeting was that The Lunch Email TM is stronger than ever, and The Black Camel makes some mean sandwiches. Go eat there.

From the DML to The Lunch Email TM - bon appetit. This lunch is for you.

The pic below was captured by an anonymous paparazzi that has been positioned outside of the Black Camel for months, in hopes of capturing this most prized of candid shots.

(Pictured from L-R: D, Hams, M. Missing: L, Sometimes B)

Before and After...

2008-11-24T12:20:00.008-05:00

In order to commemorate the D's birthday, we thought it would be fitting to show some old photos from the archive of the M's mom. Better known as Ms. M, is shown above shortly before delivery (of the M) along with her remarkable weight loss and return to her usual habits (below). She certainly is one of a kind and bares a striking resemblance to the D.

Happy Birthday D. You and the L truly are a great human beings.

Beep

2008-11-21T13:37:00.001-05:00

Memories...

2008-11-14T08:48:00.015-05:00

How do I say goodbye to what we had?

The good times that made us laugh

Outweigh the bad.

I thought we'd get to see forever

But forever's gone away

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

I don't know where this road

Is going to lead

All I know is where we've been

And what we've been through.

If we get to see tomorrow

I hope it's worth all the wait

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories

To be my sunshine after the rain

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

And I'll take with me the memories

To be my sunshine after the rain

It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday.

Boyz II Men, Cooleyhighharmoney (1993)

God gave us Mullin...

2008-11-13T13:25:00.004-05:00

... and his long arms to spread love and work miracles in the kitchen.

Continuing The DML's good news reporting streak, today we would like to take a moment honour the very honourable Chef S. Mullin for his contributions to good times and culinary enjoyment.

Inspired by the many flavours of Korean food he experienced over the past two years, Mullin has returned to North America with a cooking vengeance. Korea has been in a period of national mourning since losing Mullin's talents in late August. He was a national hero and it will probably be years before Koreans fully recover from their deep sadness.

What makes his story truly incredible is that he has been able to overcome the contraversy surrounding the release of provovacative photos in a popular woman's magazine last year. Close friends say that he has since transformed himself fundamentally by reaching out to Jesus for guidance. Amazingly through the process he has actually come to bear a remarkable resememblance to Jesus, to which some attribute his assention to the top of the cooking world. God and Doug only know.

Back in Mississauga and in the Greater Mississauga Region, Mullin's return has created a stampede of excitment . Supported by his trusty sidekick, Rowdy McC , and armed with a mighty beard, strong ideals and an unparalleled ability to identify and describe the food he loves, Mullin is lighting up taste buds across the continent. Most recently he was spotted working miracles on the grill in the parking lot at a Buffalo Bills game (seen above).

Chef Mullin could probably even make ML's stupid guitar taste delicious.

For all this greatness, the DML salutes you Chef S. Mullin.

Charitable Forces

2008-11-11T09:47:00.008-05:00

The DML would like to take a moment from our relentless and cutting-edge reporting to recognize two genuine do-gooders. Led by the dedicated efforts of Ms. JB (aka Big Time Lawyer) and Mr. PB (aka Fatrick Reach-around), this past weekend saw single-night charitable fundraising records obliterated.

From his vacation home in Florida, occasional DML contributor sometimes B applauded JB's fundraising efforts for women with eating disorders. As a morbidly obese hungarian woman, sometimes B is hopeful that the funding will help other young woman establish a healthier relationship with food.

That same night across town, Coach PB gathered close friends for a night of music and celebration to raise education funds for his friend in Tanzania. Former celebrity, now balding washed up rock star ML (aka loser of the worst blog-off ever) belted out tunes, while guests fought over blind auction items, notably the amazing culinary talents of the long-armed chef Mullin.

Political parties are already lining up to court these two incredible fundraising masters, in preparation for the next general election (early 2009). Said political organizing guru, the D of the DML, "Obama's fundraising records in this past US election will be small change in comparison to what these two will accomplish when they join forces for a lucky political party."

Married Life

2008-11-10T14:46:00.002-05:00

The D, after much rummaging around through the M's and L's garbage and laundry, found some very interesting clothing labels.

Check out the evidence below...

Complacency?

2008-11-09T20:06:00.002-05:00

Is November a month to be avoided? No posts? Is the DML sick?

DML Polygraph Test

2008-10-31T09:21:00.003-04:00

Welcome the the DML Polygraph test, where I choose a random person from the blogosphere and subject them to five embarassing and deeply personal questions, almost all of which involve sex or poop. They can only answer yes or no. Now I don't posses and actual polygraph machine here. So I'm going to rely on the best bullshit detector of them all: our commenters. They answer, and you judge. Today, our subject is the Somtimes B.

The L: Have you ever masturbated in a public place?

SB: Yes.

The L: Have you ever had sexual thoughts about a man, unwanted in your head or not?

SB: No.

The L: Have you ever imagined yourself as Mike Lawless during intercourse?

SB: Yes.

The L: Have you ever passed up intercourse in order to sleep?

SB: Yes.

The L: Have you ever urinated, and then zipped up, only to realize there's still a little trickling out and it makes a really big stain in your pants?

SB: Yes.

Happy Halloween!!

2008-10-31T09:14:00.003-04:00

Pictured above from Top-to-Bottom: The D, The L...and the M.

Blog-Off Champion

2008-10-29T11:34:00.004-04:00

Congratulations to the Sometimes B for winning the inaugural Blog-Off in what will be regarded historically as the worst competition in internet history. If I had to provide an analogy of what judging this competition was like, I'd have to say it was like being asked whether I prefer vomit or poop.

As you can see from the picture above, poop clearly came out on top. The victory was really only by default though, as the Sometimes B made this one lame post while his opponent did not bother with a single attempt.

The loser of the contest (aka Vomit), will now go back into DML obscurity will no longer be referenced on this glorious blog.

My apologies to the M for all the Vomit references, hopefully he can keep his lame-ass lunch down.

The Leafs

2008-10-29T09:50:00.002-04:00

The D has decided to post his thoughts on this season's incarnation of the Maple Leafs. Beyond predicting that they will win the Stanley Cup this spring, and break numerous NHL records, here are some thoughts.

The D took advantage of the DML's corporate Leaf tickets last night, and had some very interesting thoughts come to mind as to the differences between this year's team and previous.

First off - for the first time that the D can remember, there seems to be an air of self-mocking around the Air Canada Centre. The newest feature in the scoreboard cam bits, that are done in every arena is called something like "Spot The Suit". The camera operator proceeds to zero in on bored looking corporate types wearing ties in the Platinum section.

Second - the new motto around the ACC - "Spirit Is Everything". If this is not an acknowledgment of how much of a joke the on-ice product has become, it sure is close. MLSE has now decided to basically give out points for participation.

The D can never remember Leaf management poking such fun at itself before.

Third - there is no bonafide superstar on this Leafs team. This team is filled with guys who could probably walk down the street in any other NHL city and not be recognized. Quick - name me all 3 defensive pairings for the Leafs...

The D can remember going to games at Maple Leaf Gardens as a boy, with one of the most vivid memories of that place (besides the smoke filled hallways and Buffalo Bills-style trough urinals) is the inherent distaste that true Leaf fans had for their team. In the 80s the fans knew that their team was garbage, and loudly vocalized that at the games. The D feels that he learned how to be properly critical of a hockey game from witnessing those horrible Leaf teams. The atmosphere at last night's game felt more like those early Leaf experiences than it ever has recently.

The point the D is trying to make is that this year's team is bad. Ownership knows it, management knows it, and the fans know it.

PS - thanks alot John Ferguson Jr for leaving us with Jason Blake and his ridiculous contract. The only thing you were ever qualified to GM was your local McDonald's.

Where the Magic Happens...Part 1

2008-10-23T12:22:00.005-04:00

Who is the DML? We've been inundated with this very question from our countless readers who long to know where this cast of characters summons the creativity to entertain the masses. Without further ado, we're starting a series called, Where the Magic Happens.

Check out my view below of the East End and the majestic Olympic Stadium in the distance on the right. Whenever I'm lacking the inspiration to compose the elegant prose everyone has come to expect, I close my eyes and imagine what it must have been like to be one of the fans that was almost crushed to death by a concrete slab that fell back when they played baseball at this stadium's hallowed grounds.

For those of you wondering why I'm automatic on putts from 6 feet and less, now you have your answer.

Editors Note: Special thanks to Mulqueen for Photoshopping out ESPN.com as the homepage on my monitor.

Vegetation

2008-10-22T12:15:00.005-04:00

Despite some of the negative sentiments people (including the author of the previous post) are having regarding the current political season, we here at the DML prefer to focus on the positives.

For those of you who feel the same way and prefer putting a positive spin on the recent Canadian election - here's as good a reason as any pictured above. Ever wondered what $300 million looks like, well the answer is growing on the D's face. Go Blue!!

D - when you finally shave it off, make sure you give it to the M so he can include it in one of his lunch's...

Reunited

2008-10-22T12:03:00.003-04:00

After a grueling (read: unnecessary) election which caused the D's hiatus and a false sense of self-importance, and despite the promotion of the M which has temporarily handcuffed our photoshopping abilities, things are starting to get back to normal here at the DML.

In other news, the Sometimes B got bitch-slapped so hard by the L this weekend that he hurt his elbow doing a backwards somersault on the pavement.

***not pictured - The M's vomit from Gratto's wedding

Oh that receding hairline!

2008-10-17T14:52:00.008-04:00

The DML, in association with long-standing contributor the sometimes B, would like to take a moment out of our extremely busy schedule to acknowledge a very special birthday. Often mistaken for a hockey player, the hairline (pictured here) turns an unfortunate 30 years young today. Despite the obvious facial trauma endured over the years, hairline has exhibited remarkable fortitude. Sadly, like all good things in life, this hairline's best years are now well behind him. With a little luck we hope that hairline could potentially maintain a Norwood 3 before inevitably succumbing to its hideous, often career-ending relative, the Norwood 5. Maybe she will finally come to her senses and drop him for B. May the force be with hairline on his special day, the DML+B salute you.

Dirty 30

2008-10-17T10:07:00.003-04:00

the D, M and sometimes B salute the letter L for being 30 and making the world a better place. Dear readers, please send him your bithday wishes.

The D is back.

2008-10-16T13:16:00.003-04:00

The hiatus is over. For both the D and Phish.

Welcome back D.

26 Possible Explanations

2008-10-14T20:51:00.004-04:00

a) They are busy douching each other and no longer want to compete after seeing each other's floppy vaginas.

b) L2 is busy writing love songs about his chest hair for an upcoming album.

c) Sometimes B is too saddened by the end of free-market capitalism to continue.

d) Sometimes B is still trying to figure out how the interweb and "computers" work.

e) L2 got distracted looking at his bald spot in the mirror.

f) Sometimes B is naked and masturbating. While driving.

g) L2 is watching sometimes B from the passengers seat and wishing that he could do more than 9 push-ups so that he was strong enough to finish when he masturbates.

h) Neither has received permission to participate in the Blog-off from respective lady friends.

i) They are studying past DML posts to learn how to be funny and are not yet confident that they can deliver the high quality content that readers expect.

j) Sometimes B has caught L2's vaginitus. Note to concerned readers: Thankfully L of the DML has been cured before suffering that rapid hair loss that ruined L2's career.

k) Sometimes B's performance anxiety problems in the bedroom have spilled over into the blogosphere.

l) L2's fingers are cramped due to
(i) attempted masturbation
(ii) strumming embarrassing love songs about chest hair and Begin's twirly tatoo.
(iii) attempting to beat his personal best of 9 push-ups.

m) Sometimes B has been accosted by angry stockholders who watched their life savings melt away last week and then followed Sometimes B's advice to cut their losses, thereby missing out on the bounce this week.

n) Both are waiting for members of the DML to take over the trash-talking for them so that they may free-ride and hide their own patheticness.

o) Sometimes B can't read. L2 is sensitive to that and is working on uploading some MP3 audio files. L2 was stopped from doing so however when the DML firewall detected he was also attempting to upload some of those embarrassingly bad love songs.

p) Each is afraid to take the first swing because they know they will be subsequently laughed at and destroyed by the DML and other commentators.

q) L2 is afraid that if he is too aggressive, sometimes B will make fun of him for spending $400 on jeans.

r) Sometimes B is afraid that if he is too aggressive, L2 will make fun of him for dropping his girlfriend on her face.

s) L2 heard there was a door crasher sale on vagisil and tampons and doesn't want to lose his spot in line.

t) Sometimes B did not understand the invitation to participate in the Blog-off because Hungarian Dan wasn't around to translate for him.

u) L2 thinks he can coast for the rest of his life now because he accidentally won MOTY. He willingly accepts that he has peaked and will gradually lose value for the rest of his pathetic life. Even tricking a woman who is obviously way too good for him into marriage will not prevent this inevitable decline.

v) Sometimes B is worried that if he displays his retardness in a truely public forum, Trau will finally realize she is too good for him.

w) L2 has realized he will never be L1 and has given up.

x) Sometimes B has realized he will always be sometimes and has given up.

y) They have actually both attempted to post several times but the DML firewall has blocked their posts for lack of hilarity.

z) Doug has intervened on God's behalf, worried that this event may be creating too much divisiveness and negativity.

Who's more useless?

2008-10-14T15:57:00.005-04:00

Seeing as the L2 and Sometimes B are reluctant to post anything meaningful on this glorious blog, I thought it might be appropriate to go back in time and revisit an old email exchange between these former roommates.

This excerpt is taken from an email argument regarding the phone bill and escalated into them questioning each other's daily schedules and who lived a more fulfilling life. Tough call.

As you'll see, they both clearly had a lot going on in their lives back in early 2007. Too bad we didn't ask them to post on the DML back then. Enjoy!

From: Sometimes B
Sent: Friday, February 2, 2007 4:58 PM
To: L2
Subject: Re: 381 Shaw

Beeeeeeeeeeeep

L2's Schedule:

Mon-Fri:

7am- serenade my girlfriend
7:05- serenade my girlfriend
7:10- serenade my girlfriend
9am- got to work, research hockey stats
6:00-8:00pm- get home, sing songs, research hockey stats
8:00-10:00- try to think of ways not to make noise during sex
11- go to bed

Sat-Sun: Hang with my girlfriend and her friends, go to gay dinners.

From: L2

Sent: Friday, February 02, 2007 4:56 PM

To: Sometimes B

Subject: RE: 381 shaw

Actually - quite the opposite, you have much less going on your life than i do.

Sometimes B's Schedule:

Mon-Fri:

6:00 am - wake up and go to work
6:00 pm - get home
6:00-8:00 pm - play poker
9:00 pm - go to sleep

Sat-Sun:

Sleep until 5:00
Go to niagara
Do nothing

Your life is a waste.

Disappointment

2008-10-14T15:21:00.003-04:00

Where are Sometimes B and L2? Have you forgotten about your vow to destroy each other via the DML?

The Origin of the Blog-Off

2008-10-09T10:31:00.004-04:00

Never before has such a rivalry dominated the news. The impending matchup of L(2) vs B has the potential to be the greatest grudgematch in history.

Scouring the extensive archives of the DML's proud history, the D has found a photo that was thought to be lost in the great financial crisis of 2008. This photo has been tentatively labelled as the potential start of the original Blog-Off. What you see below was what could have been the beginning of World War 3.

Luckily, the M intervened and realized the D, the M, and the L could all live in harmony, combine their talents, and produce the greatest website in the history of the interweb.

Disaster averted.

BLOG-OFF!!!!!

2008-10-08T13:35:00.010-04:00

Who would be a more worthy contributor to the DML?

With the impending departure of the L, who should take his place (assuming he's willing to relinquish it)?

Clearly the only reasonable course of action here is to have a Blog-Off.

Starting next week, Lawless and the Sometimes B are hereby invited to formally post contributions on the DML*. They will both be given temporary access for one week to post as many entries as they wish and will be graded by the DML based on overall content and the feedback they receive in the comments section.

The DML promises zero editorial oversight, except to ensure compliance with our objectional content policy version 1.1. Winner will be decided by public vote the following week, 99 cents per text message.**

Congratulations on making it this far in the application process. Many have tried, only one has succeeded, and he will be on probation for the rest of his natural life.

The Blog-Off officially begins on Tuesday, October 14th, 2008 at 9:00am EDT.

It's going to be a bloodbath.

*Note, this will be a true test of your talents because you will have to work without the aide of the M's photoshop talents... a situation the M is actively working to remedy at work.

**The DML reserves the right to completely ignore the results of the vote and choose the winner based on completely unsubstantiated criteria.

Creepy or Sexy?

2008-10-07T14:45:00.003-04:00

You decide. Vote here.

Vagina Envy

2008-10-03T16:06:00.010-04:00

DML photo archivist and vice-president of scheming L, seen above left, has been diagnosed with a severe case of vaginitus.

Recent unprovoked attacks on former colleague M and sometimes B provided early evidence that he had contracted the embarassing disease but it wasn't until this photo surfaced that doctors were able to formally diagnose it. Symptoms include whining, constant pleas for attention and excessive masturbation.

Former male companions suggest it may have been contracted at the 2008 Man of the Year Championships, where he was in close contact with this guy. A witness at the event recalls hearing him complain of vaginal cramps mid-way through long-distance run (in which he was destroyed by M and sometimes B).

Doctors say that carriers can live a full and healthy life but if the underlying causes are not treated early, vaginitus can result in rapid hairloss.

Train Wreck.

2008-10-02T16:16:00.004-04:00

"Hi, I'm the M. I wear jeans to weddings and don't eat meat. I used to be a valuable resource for this blog but now I pretend to be all important, kinda like the D, and couldn't be bothered to contribute anymore. My hobbies include champagne, some beer, lots of wine and tons of scotch. You can see my latest work on the side of Springhurst Ave, Highway 11, 400 and 21, but don't worry it doesn't contain any meat and I took my shoes off my shoes to reduce my carbon footprint. Hooray for Earth!!"

Finally.

2008-09-26T13:50:00.004-04:00

After nearly two weeks of procrastination and incompetence, the Sometimes B managed to upload some photos from the most important event ever.

Pictured above are the tournament organizers and the tournament champion. The L is sporting a shirt and hat from the title sponsor Adidas, Sometimes B is also wearing an Adidas hat which he looks ridiculous in. It also appears that Sometimes B has wet himself, hence the less than enthusiastic look on his face.

When asked to comment on the weekend festivities, Sometimes B said "Fuck Lawless" a sentiment that was shared by several participants. The L's lasting memory from the weekend was his encounter with a polar bear in the Sometimes B's living room on Saturday morning. The M couldn't be reached for comment as he was still busy trying to figure out who ate all of his tofu steaks. The D is basically dead to us.

Overall, the inaugural Man of the Year tournament was a huge success. It's not about who won or lost, but how angry Matty got for being stuck with Jamie and Sporat for golf. Even though he never said anything, we all know that deep down he would have rather played with Jess.

Oh, and congratulations to third place finisher, Dan Begin.

"I'm a lazy douche."

2008-09-22T16:36:00.005-04:00

It's been over 10 days since our last post.

This is what happens when the D moves to Ottawa and the sometimes B (pictured above) is left in charge of pictures commemorating the most important event in the history of mankind (read: our group of friends).

What happened to us? Could this be it?

Will the sometimes B's laziness and the D's fabricated sense of self-importance lead to the end of the DML?

How will the M's office relocation to City Hall effect photshop requests? So many questions, so few readers left...

Here are my suggestions to help rejuvenate this once glorious blog...

Sometimes B: Stop being a lazy sack of $hit and upload the photos so we can make fun of Lawless.

D: Quit your job and move back from Ottawa. We need you more than we realized. Salami consumption in the GTA is down over 70% since you left.

M: You're perfect. When I die, I hope to be reincarnated as a vegetable in your beautiful backyard garden, just so I can be a part of one of your delectable lunches (preferably roasted butternut squash soup) only to die again in your stomach's digestive juices. Then I want to come back as Jules and come to my senses with the realization of what a lazy douchebox my boyfriend really is. Then I want to come back as a low-level staffer, so the D can serve me coffee when he's not telling his friends how important he is.

(ok, fine, he's not perfect but I did mean everything else I said)

M: Stop watching Rock of Love and try not to strike out looking with the bases loaded in a must-win playoff game. Demand photoshop in your new office or quit.

What else do our few remaining readers think we could do to revive the glory that was the DML?

2008 Man of the Year

2008-09-12T12:04:00.003-04:00

... will be decided this weekend. Cast your vote.

Mullin Returns

2008-08-22T11:41:00.006-04:00

His elephantis and beligerancy have escalated during two years of Asian travel and now he's really really hungry.

Beware that speedo bulge Toronto!

The New Lawless

2008-08-19T15:38:00.005-04:00

Public Notice: Begin is threatening to bail on Jorkat weekend and replace Lawless as the reigning queen of queens. Let him know how you feel about that.

Boogie Nights

2008-08-19T10:01:00.001-04:00

Nice to see the good folks over at Sean-Erin.com posting some hard core pornography.

Keep it up.

Where the Magic Happens... Part 2

2008-08-13T12:57:00.011-04:00

I'm sure you've wondered how our DML photographers manage to capture such amazing moments for us to share with you. The answer is timing, an eye for beauty and the best equipment money can buy. It's true, sometimes the pictures just seem too incredible to be real.... but believe us dear reader, the DML photo lab take its role very seriously, raising the global bar for integrity in journalism. Believe in magic.

What inspires M? That one is simple. Life. Way to BE world.

DML Pro Tip: Staying on top of developing stories at the DML requires constant diligence and committment. Regular rest while at work helps you to replenish energy reserves and be ready for when the next big story breaks.

Nigeria's Begin

2008-08-08T15:37:00.004-04:00

Original BBC story:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/africa/7547148.stm

[Begin] has advised other men not to follow his example and [date] 86 women... ... he is able to cope only with the help of God.

"A man with 10 [lovers] would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah. That is why I have been able to control 86 of them," he told the [DML].

He says his [partners] have sought him out because of his reputation as a healer.
"I don't go looking for them, they come to me. I will consider the fact that God has asked me to do it and I will just [do] them."

Most of his [victims] are less than a quarter of his age - and many are younger than some of his own children.

[Begin] and his [sex slaves] do not work and he has no visible means of supporting such a large family. He refuses to say how he makes enough money to pay for the huge cost of feeding and clothing so many people.

"To my understanding [morality] does not place a limit and it is up to what your own power, your own endowment and ability allows," he says.

This makes sense.

2008-08-08T13:58:00.000-04:00

The big question on everyone's mind is if he'll confine his random beatdowns to losers wearing purple turtlenecks in family restaurants, or will he resort to more random altercations outside of bars and/or sanctioned title bouts.

Conflicting reports from certain media outlets are describing an incident at Cadillac Lounge on Saturday evening in which our newly tattoo'd superhero was said to have physically assaulted Ms. Trau after being rejected by her friend. Neighbours of Ms. Trau have indicated that they were told that the bruises and scars were as a result of a "bike accident".

I wonder how Gary will respond to the fact that Ace permanently scarred his own body without his consent. Could be trouble in paradise.

Drink for Mullin

2008-08-08T10:52:00.006-04:00

Because it's Friday. Because Beerfest starts today. and Because Mullin is coming home in 3 weeks.

Subby Being Subby

2008-08-07T09:15:00.004-04:00

The DML would like to take a minute to honour the man that represents the silent "B" in the title of this most hallowed of websites. Though the DML may be pronounced with only three letters, it is the silent "B" in the title that keeps us all feeling young at heart.

Circle August 5, 2008 on your calendars as the official day that Mr S. B. Ramirez hit for the cycle, and in the process helped crush the hopes of Joe Pesci and friends.

Congratulations silent "B", your crushing RBI and Slugging totals are the envy of the entire D Division. The entire roster of Softball Team salutes your greatness.

Also a special shout out to M.M. and M.R. for their bone-crushing hitting on Tuesday. When the bottom of your batting order is hitting as well as they did, you have a shot at winning the title.

RIP - Double H

2008-07-31T10:03:00.006-04:00

Special Guest Report from Sheballs Banyay.

It is with a heavy heart that the DML reports some very sad news today. Good friend and confidant Dan Suranyi, aka double H, aka tan much?, aka gaylord, succumbed to a fatal disease this weekend otherwise known as crocodile syndrome. Rumours began to circulate Saturday evening when police discovered his abandoned rental vehicle just minutes from his home in North Toronto. Initial reports indicate that Dan was scheduled to make an appearance at one headless man's cottage, a gathering known to attendees as 'Lawlepalooza'.

Friends stood roadside eagerly awaiting his arrival in Long Point for the better part of Saturday afternoon. DML partner J. Lunan was heard to remark 'We love this guy. I got about 2 cartons worth of eggs ready to pelt at his face, we can't wait for them to get here.' When a mysterious series of phone calls lead friends to suspect foul play, police were immediately dispatched to his home in Toronto.

The victim was found barely clinging to life in the arms of his girlfriend (pictured here). Morticians on the scene commented that the disease advanced rapidly into its later stages where victims often complain of a sudden and complete disappearance of their genitalia. There was nothing that could have been done to save him. One medic was heard to say, 'I've never seen anything like this before, the poor guy just completely lost his balls! It was just like poof, gone, vanished into thin air.' Dan will be sorely missed.

Look out Ladies!

2008-07-25T09:45:00.000-04:00

Rumour has it that Dan Solo and ChewMatty will be in Long Point this weekend for Lawlepalooza. And Princess Leia is no where in sight.

So if you're in Long Point this weekend, and you're a female under 25 with a heart beat, be weary of offers to board the Millenium Falcon.

Hopefully Dan left his cosmetics and cowboy hat at home. Oh yeah, and feel free to Google the word "Beginized" and check out the second link. Number 1, here we come.

Editor's note: ChewMatty likes Sex and the City

Wanted: Slow Cooker Models

2008-07-25T09:06:00.000-04:00

A slow cooker or Crock-Pot (a trademark often used generically) is a countertop electrical cooking appliance that maintains a relatively low temperature for many hours, allowing unattended cooking of pot roast, stew, and other long-cooking dishes. Since the advent of the microwave, the slow cooker industry has been on the back burner so to speak. As a result, the slow cooker modelling industry had been on steady decline with most of the talent opting for the more secure and lucrative microwave modelling.

Fortunately, slow cooking is now experiencing somewhat of a renaissance with new modelling opportunities presenting themselves almost daily. It's now become common to feature your slow cooker on your Christmas cards. For more information on this exciting career path, please contact Mike Lawless at mikeylawless@gmail.com. Yes, it's the same Lawless that specializes in outhouse webcam installation.

Editor's note: Hey Lawless, Brenda from 90210 called, she wants her bangs back.

Lawless Christ Superstar?

2008-07-24T14:05:00.000-04:00

"The Lawless be with you."

"And also with you."

"On the 25th day of the seventh month, Lawless ascended to Long Point and said - thou shalt sleepeth in tents and listen to my bad music...Let us drink"

(Pause for drinking)

"May our tents protect us from the elements and the clothing on females at the beach be minimal, for tis is the long weekend wheneth man shall cometh together to break bread and wine preparedeth by wives and girlfiends. Amen."

On Being A Champion...

2008-07-24T11:30:00.004-04:00

Thoughts from '04 champion Dyson, B (partner Breech, P) on the annual Lawlevitational Golf Tournament.

-reprinted from The New York Times with permission-

Lawlevitational. The very name of this most prestigious of golf tournaments sends shivers down the spine of even the most seasoned pros. The honour and prestige of participating in what has become known as the "5th Major" is felt throughout the entire tournament weekend.

It has become something of a well known fact that the hardest part of this tournament is the initial walk from the pro shop to the first tee box. The hope that pulses through the veins of each and every competitor leaves a sense of euphoria that is only shaken off by that first early morning beer. When the name of the next player to tee off is announced, followed by the polite applause of the other competitors, that one split second presents the hope that the trophy will finally be yours to raise above your head.

Some say winning doesn't matter, that having a good time participating in the tournament is what it's really all about. But to those I say: you have never won and are therefore losers. The only thing that matters during the Lawlepalooza weekend is winning that tournament. Anything less, and you sit at the kid's table.

Players have given up everything for the chance to raise that Champions plaque high in the air. Many have tried, a few have won, but most are failures. Relationships have been torn asunder By the Egregious, Galling, Indecent, Neurotic act of falling short. Other fairy tales have been born and developed into engagements that saw their start in victory at the Lawlevitational (see '07 champions Peck and Lawless).

You may see knowing glances exchanged between past champions at tournament weekend. Be warned that these are the acknowledgments between men who have sacrificed everything to have their name inscribed on that most hallowed of sporting trophies. They have given up so much to join the ranks of legends.

They say that to conquer the treacherous psychological battles of the Lawlevitational, one must prepare onself in that same manner as if one was a soldier in a bloody conflict in central Africa. I say this holds some truth, but that the real preparation for the Lawlevitational is what one does in the weeks and months prior to teeing off on that first hole at Turkey Point golf course. It is the preparation that only champions can know of. It is the preparation that I have only been able to fully complete once in this lifetime.

So to all those aspiring champions, I leave you with this:

Godspeed, and remember that there is a price to pay for not hitting past the ladies tees.

Dyson, B
'04 Co-Champion
Lawlevitational Golf Tournament

Champions Dinner

2008-07-24T09:44:00.011-04:00

AP - Thursday, July 24th, 2008. This year's Lawlevitational Champions Dinner menu was announced yesterday via press release.

This years meal will feature pulled pork sandwiches with a side of roasted potatoes and a garden salad with tomatoes, avocadoes and a balsamic vinagrette dressing. When asked to comment on the meal selection, Lawlepalooza participant Julia T. said, "I wish my boyfriend didn't suck at golf and actually won something for once in our relationship. I'm tired of sitting at the loser table".

Previous winners of this prestigious event who will be in attendance include last year's champions, Mike Lawless & Doug P., the 2006 champions Jordan & Alex (pictured above with tournament chairman and defending champion, Mike Lawless) and of course, the crowd favourites Dyson & Breech, whose improbable run at the 2004 event has become a thing of legends amongst golfers and alcoholics alike.

Editors Note: Nice shirt, Mike!

Smells Delicious.

2008-07-23T13:00:00.000-04:00

Lets throw this one out to the readers again, if you could do anything you wanted with Lawless's guitar, what would you do?

Speaking of smells delicious, who wants some Hungarian Salami?

Editor's note: The picture was photoshop'd and never actually occured.

DML Public Service Announcement

2008-07-22T12:55:00.020-04:00

WARNING:
Don't believe the hype. Ladies Beware!

Dan Gaygin has left yet another victim behind in his wake, once again unsatisfied despite his legendary reputation. With increasing frequency, women around the globe are surfacing to share stories of his underperformance. They are hoping to help prevent the further spread of his subpar sexual encounters.

"Krissy," seen above [note, name disguised to protect Matty D's identity] described her recent experience with Begin as "possibly the most disappointing two minutes of my life. I mean we hadn't even started taking our clothes off and he was already done. I was so sure that for once I would finally get some non-mediocre loving. He even used a Magnum-sized condom that didn't fit and kept falling off. Clearly he has a false sense of identity. Oh, I feel so foolish for being duped but it's my sincere hope that no other woman will ever have to experience such awkwardness in bed again."

Ladies be warned. Begin will be at Lawlepalooza 2008.

Heartbreak? Or Just Another Obstacle?

2008-07-22T10:02:00.005-04:00

The DML would like to take a minute to honour two members of the illustrious Softball Team (sporting a healthy 9-5 record just after the All Star Break). DB and JP have only been teammates on Softball Team for two seasons, but their bond goes far beyond this diamond of dreams.

DB and JP have become close, and their bond has only grown closer through their favourite pasttime of dressing up as cowboys and going camping.

When asked if their relationship would be hurt by the recently completed nuptials of 1/2 of their Duo, the response in unison was a resounding "Don't be silly."

Good luck you two.

Mike Lawless - The Mailbag

2008-07-22T09:41:00.009-04:00

Thanks in part to the overwhelming success of last year's Lawlepalooza interview, Mike decided to respond to some of the emails we've been receiving from everyone throughout the year. Believe it or not, these are actual questions from our friends.

Q - Why does everyone say that my girlfriend is cooler than me?
Dan S., Hungary

Lawless - Her command of the english language for starters.

Q - Do I really look like Ernie from Sesame Street?
M. Mulqueen, Toronto

Lawless - YES.

Q - Do you think everyone knows that I snuck out to go swimming shortly before the strippers showed up at my stag? (read: shrinkage)
Jordan L., Montreal

Lawless - That makes perfect sense. We've been secretly referring to you as the Anti-Mullin and George Costanza behind your back.

Q - What's the over/under on my husband having more hair in his nose and on his ass than on his head? 32 years old? 35?
K. Algate, Montreal

Lawless - Mine was 17.

Q - When Meatloaf sings "I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)," do you think by that, he means buttfuck*ng?
J. Lunan, Montreal

Lawless - I doubt it. I can't imagine someone with the name Meatloaf hasn't taken a trip to Brown Town on occasion.

Q - My colleagues and I have a running game where we try and think of the creepiest thing you could say to a female co-worker that won't necessarily get you a visit from your good ole' HR rep. We came up with two stellar lines. The first is getting mildly close to your coworker and saying, "Did you change your shampoo?", and the other is looking them dead in the eye and saying, "Wow, you have a really pretty mouth."
J. Lunan, Montreal

Lawless - No comment.

Q - If I'm feeling ill, and I don't wash my hands after going to the bathroom, will someone in my office be more likely to contract my illness or herpes?
D. Begin, Toronto

Lawless - When did you start washing your hands after using the bathroom?

Q - With Jordan having retired from the hockey pool to focus on his marriage, who do you consider as the odds-on favourite to finally win?
K. Algate, Montreal

Lawless - Not Brook. Probably Mullin.

Q - Will this victory be tainted considering that Jordan did not participate and should the winning team be considered the Houston Rockets of Fantasy Hockey?
K. Algate, Montreal

Lawless - You're almost as weird as your husband.

(editor's note - the only reason the Houston Rockets won the NBA title in 93-94 & 94-95 is because Michael Jordan was retired at the time.)

Q - Can I pitch a tent in your backyard and play with it when no one is watching?
D. Begin, Toronto

Lawless - Only if I can join you.

Q - We know it's your special weekend and everything, but shouldn't this weekend now be called "Subapalooza"?
Everyone

Lawless - I completely understand. I also like Sub more than all of you, so the feeling is more than mutual.

Q - Enjoy your last year of Lawlepalooza. Next year it will be renamed Lawburypalooza. I own you.
Heather T., Toronto

Lawless - Was that a question?

Q - Can I still come next year even though Mulloskey will be home?
Mulqueen aka Ernie, Toronto

Lawless - Probabaly not.

Q - What's the bathroom etiquette for first time attendees? What should I do if I have to drop at deuce at 10am and there's already a line-up for the bathroom?
J. Algate, Toronto

Lawless - Excellent question. You have two options. Use the Outhouse we will have rented or do your business behind Sub's tent. No one will notice.

Q - Is Matty coming this year?
J. McPherson, Ottawa

Lawless - Yes.

Q - I'm out.
J. McPherson, Ottawa

Lawless - can your husband still come?

Q - Can you ask Szabulia if there's room in their tent for me to stay with them. I'm between tents right now.
D. Begin, Toronto

Lawless - I think that makes sense, although I had sex with Chrissy in that tent last year so be advised.

Q - Can I be put in charge of lunch and provide an assortment of shwarma and salami?
B. Dyson, Toronto

Lawless - No weird foreign meat allowed at Lawlepalooza, except Suranyi. And Jules.

Q - Hypothetically, if I crapped my pants in my tent at a previous Lawlepalooza and threw those pants on to the neighbours property before they built that huge garage, do you think my poopy-pants are still under the garage? Hypothetically.
D. Peck, Ottawa

Lawless - My guess would be that Richie probably ate your pants well before the garage was built. Remember this when Richie is licking your face.

Q - the DML was recently cited as the most relevant blog currently on the net. Do you agree with this statement?

J. Sproat, Toronto

Lawless - It's my homepage.

We're too busy and important to read this.

2008-07-21T16:14:00.005-04:00

Have you ever had a friend who took their job very seriously and was way too busy all the time to engage in pointless reply-all emails and read blogs all day? Did that same friend eventually hire another one of your friends who used to send reply-all emails and read blogs, but then had to stop and pretend he was just as busy and important as the first friend, even though this clearly wasn’t the case?

No? Me neither.